Miscellaneous Humour

************************************************************************
Rumor has it that the propeller on any light aircraft is only
there to keep the pilot and passengers cool.

What, you don't believe this?

If it stops, watch them start to sweat!
************************************************************************
A man realized he needed to purchase a hearing aid, but he
felt unwilling to spend much money. "How much do they run?"
he asked the clerk.

"That depends," said the salesman. "They run from $2.00 to
$2,000."

"Let's see the $2.00 model," he said.

The clerk put the device around the man's neck. "You just
stick this button in your ear and run this little string down to
your pocket," he instructed.

"How does it work?" the customer asked.

"For $2.00 it doesn't work," the salesman replied. "But when
people see it on you, they'll talk louder!"
************************************************************************
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood.
Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I
stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it,
and I would turn red in the face."

"Yes," the class said.

"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary
position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"

A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."
************************************************************************
Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned
around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it
finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight
attendant, "What was the problem?"

"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," he
explained. "It took us awhile to find a new pilot."
************************************************************************
Deciding to eat healthier breakfasts, my brother-in-law declared
that oatmeal would now be his cereal of choice. But after eating
his first bowl, he told my sister, "I hope I develop a taste for the
stuff. It goes down real rough."

"Well," she asked, "how long did you cook it?"

"You're supposed to cook it?" he said.
************************************************************************
Have you heard about the new system for weight control? The
one that's just crossed the Pacific from Asia?

Reportedly, it works great, and is really easy, too.

All you have to do is remember that, while you can eat
anything you want, you always use just one chopstick. (Not
Sharpened)
************************************************************************
A little boy came home from the playground with a bloody nose,
black eye, and torn clothing. It was obvious he'd been in a bad
fight and lost. While his father was patching him up, he asked
his son what happened.

"Well, Dad," said the boy, "I challenged Larry to a duel. And,
you know, I gave him his choice of weapons."

"Uh-huh," said the father, "that seems fair."

"I know, but I never thought he'd choose his big sister!"
************************************************************************
An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one question final
exam after a semester dealing with a broad array of topics.

The class was already seated and ready to go when the
professor picked up his chair, plopped it on his desk and
wrote on the board: "Using everything we have learned this
semester, prove that this chair does not exist."

Fingers flew, erasers erased, notebooks were filled in
furious fashion. Some students wrote over 30 pages in one
hour attempting to refute the existence of the chair. One
member of the class however, was up and finished in less
than a minute.

Weeks later when the grades were posted, the rest of the
group wondered how he could have gotten an A when he
had barely written anything at all. His answer consisted of
two words: "What chair?"
*************************************************************************
Mary announced that she was going to start a diet to lose
some pounds she had put on recently.

"Great," Sue exclaimed. "I'm ready to start a diet too. We can
be dieting buddies and help each other out. And when I feel the
urge to drive out and get a burger and fries, I'll call you first."

"Wonderful," Mary replied. "I'll go with you."
************************************************************************
"This house," said the real estate salesman, "has both its good
points and its bad points. To show you I'm honest, I'm going to
tell you about both.

"The disadvantages are that there is a chemical plant one block
south and a slaughterhouse a block north."

"What are the advantages?" inquired the prospective buyer.

"The advantage is that you can always tell which way the wind
is blowing."
************************************************************************
A man goes into this local place where bricks and cement
blocks are sold, and orders 20,000 bricks.

"May I ask what you're building?" asks the man behind the
counter.

"Yeah, it's going to be a barbecue."

"Gee! That's a lot of bricks for one barbecue,"

"Not really; when you consider that I live on the 18th floor."
************************************************************************
A Highway Patrolman stopped Lisa for going 15 miles over the
speed limit.

After he handed her a ticket, Lisa asked, "Don't you give out
warnings?"

"Yes, Ma'am," he replied. They're all up and down the road. They
say, 'Speed limit 65.'"
************************************************************************
I work at home, so my four-year-old twin daughters, Maggie and
Katie, are used to seeing me operate a computer and fax
machine.

One afternoon I was watching them have fun on our indoor
playset's small slide.

Maggie proceeded to go down headfirst, giggling that she was
"faxing" herself. Not to be outdone, Katie stood at the top of
the slide and shouted, "Here comes page 2!"
************************************************************************
It was very crowded at the supermarket, and the customer in
front of me had a large order. As the harried-looking clerk
lifted the final bag for her, its bottom gave way, sending the
contents crashing to the floor. "They just don't make these
bags like they used to," the clerk blurted to the customer.
"That was supposed to happen in your driveway!"
************************************************************************
During training exercises, the lieutenant who was driving down
a muddy back road encountered another car stuck in the mud
with a red-faced colonel at the wheel.

"Your jeep stuck, sir?" asked the lieutenant as he pulled
alongside.

"Nope," replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the
keys, "Yours is."
************************************************************************
Judy was visiting her friend Trudy and noticed she had acquired
two new dogs, and asked her what their names were.

Trudy responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one
was named Timex.

Judy said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"

Trudy responded, "What else are you gonna name watch dogs?"
************************************************************************
My grandpa, known for his offbeat sense of humor, adopted a
dog and named him Mr. Peeve. I took the bait, asked why he
named it and he said because when people ask the dogs name,
I can say "That's my pet Peeve."
************************************************************************
A peppery woman at the airline ticket counter was complaining
long and loudly about the delay in her plane's departure.

"Young man," she snapped at the agent, "the way you people
run this airline a witch on a janitor's broom could get there
faster!"

The agent, with just a hint of a smile, says, "The runways are
clear, madam. Please feel free."
************************************************************************
The Truth About Hugs.....

There's no such thing as a bad hug, only good ones and great
ones

Hugs are nonfattening and they don't cause cancer or cavities.

Hugs are all natural with no preservatives, artificial ingredients
or pesticide residue...

Hugs are cholesterol-free, naturally sweet, 100% wholesome
and they are a completely renewable resource...

Hugs are easy to care for, they don't require batteries,
Tune-ups, or x-rays...

Hugs are nontaxable, fully returnable and energy efficient...

Hugs are safe in all kinds of weather...

Hugs are especially good for cold and rainy days and
exceptionally effective in treating problems. Like bad dreams
or Monday blues...

Never wait until tomorrow to hug someone you could hug
today, because when you give one, you get one right back
your way!
************************************************************************
An off-ramp of a freeway in Long Beach, CA, has been torn up
for years. Recently, someone put up a handmade sign reading,
"Scientists tell us that the sun will burn out in one and a half
billion years. It is sad that this contractor will have to finish
working in the dark."
************************************************************************
At the company water cooler, I bragged about my children's
world travels: one son was teaching in Bolivia, another was
working in southern Italy, and my daughter was completing a
yearlong research project in India.

One co-worker's quip, however, stopped me short. "What is
it about you," he asked, "that makes your kids want to get
so far away?"
************************************************************************
A new man is brought into Prison Cell 102. Already there is a
long-time resident who looks 100 years old. The new man
looks at the old-timer inquiringly. The old-timer says, "Look at
me. I'm old and worn out. You'd never believe that I used to live
the life of Riley. I wintered on the Riviera, had a boat, four fine
cars, the most beautiful women, and I ate in all the best
restaurants of France." The new man asked, "What happened?"
"One day Riley reported his credit cards missing!"
************************************************************************
It was a difficult subject to bring before his aged mother, but
Morris felt that he must. "Mom, you are no longer a spring
chicken and you do need to think ahead of what will happen in
the future. Why don't we make arrangements about when.....
you know... when.... heaven Forbid ... you pass on?"

The mother didn't say anything, just sat there staring ahead.

"I mean, Momma, like.... how do you want to finally go? To be
buried? Cremated?"

There was yet another long pause. Then the mother looked up
and said, "Son, why don't you simply surprise me?"
************************************************************************
The most enjoyable way to follow a vegetable diet is to let the
cow eat it, and then eat the cow.

The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to
appreciate it.

If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try
orderin' somebody else's dog around.
************************************************************************
Police are investigating the murder of Juan Gonzales.

"It looks as if he was killed with a golf gun," one detective
observes.

"A golf gun?" asks his partner. "What in the world is a golf gun?"

"I don't know," the detective answers, "but it surely made a
hole in Juan."
************************************************************************
Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure
you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant
is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a
valuable plant.
************************************************************************
Recipe: A series of step-by-step instructions for preparing
ingredients you forgot to buy, in utensils you don't own,
to make a dish the dog won't eat.
*************************************************************************
After one of the machines at work suddenly went on the fritz,
our boss called the repair service and asked to speak to the
manager, Ahmed.

"Hello, Ed speaking. How can I help you?" said the guy who
answered the phone.

"Sorry," said my boss. "I was looking for Ahmed."

"This is Ahmed," came the reply. "How can I help you?"

"I thought you just said your name was Ed?" asked my boss.

"It is. But whenever I say 'Ahmed,' people think I'm saying, 'I'm
Ed.' So I figured it's just easier to be Ed."
*************************************************************************
A woman went on a tour of the White House. As the guide led
her down one of the historic halls, a door burst open and a large
aquatic sea mammal, balancing a beach ball on its nose,
scurried past. "My, what was that?" exclaimed the woman.

"Oh, that's just the Presidential Seal," replied the guide.
*************************************************************************
A couple's happily married life almost went on the rocks
because of the presence in their household of old Aunt Emma.

For seventeen long years she lived with them, always crotchety,
always demanding.

Eventually, the old girl passed away.

On the way back from the cemetery, the husband confesses to his
wife, "Darling, if I didn't love you so much , I don't think I would of
have put up with having your Aunt Emma in our house all those
years!"

His wife looked at him aghast. "Huh? My Aunt Emma!?" she cried.
"I thought she was *your* Aunt Emma!"
*************************************************************************

Did you hear about the scientists who crossed a sheep with a porcupine?
They got an animal that knits its own sweaters.

Did you hear about the two TV antennas that got married?
The wedding was terrible, but the reception was excellent!

Did you hear about the big fight that Madonna, Cher, Jewel, and Fabio had?
They're no longer on a first-name basis.

Did you hear about the man with two left feet who went into the shoe shop?
He asked, "Do you have any flip-flips?

*************************************************************************

Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like
and just give her a house." -Steven Seagal

"The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job.
But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of
the night, drop them off at the wrong house." -Jeff Foxworthy

"If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an
infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even
considering if there is a man on base." -Dave Barry

"My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake
and threw her off the boat. I said, "Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim."
-Paula Poundstone

"A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills
than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Huh?"
-Conan O'Brien

"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fish
burger and I realize, Oh my Goodness. I could be eating a slow learner."
-Lynda Montgomery

"The day I worry about cleaning my house is the day Sears comes out with a
riding vacuum cleaner." -Roseanne

"I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York
said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold
enough. Let's go west.'" -Richard Jeni

"My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty, and
that's the law." -Jerry Seinfeld

"You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look
that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!'"
-Dave Barry

"When I die, I want to die like my grandmother who died peacefully in her
sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in her car."
-Author Unknown

Advice for the day If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do
what it says on the aspirin bottle "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children"


***************************************************************